Dear Dr. Scienceman,
I am writing in response to your recent grant proposal. I would like to emphasize that our organization provides funding for experiments that seek the betterment of humanity as a whole. After reading your proposal, I am at a loss as to how you think your proposed experiments would work towards this goal in any way.
And so, I regret to inform you that your that your grant proposal to "Bring Back Crazy Experiments on Monkeys" has been rejected.
I have returned your proposal to you along with this letter. I suggest that you destroy it and never show it to anyone again. These ideas are truly horrible, and I hope you do not pursue them any further.
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PROPOSAL: Bring Back Crazy Experiments on Monkeys
DETAILS: Science is getting quite boring these days, so we need to go back to doing crazy things to monkeys. I, Dr. Scienceman, have several experiments in mind that I am seeking funding for.
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EXPERIMENT IDEA: Love vs. Hate
METHODOLOGY: Teach one monkey to love, and another monkey to hate. Then see which monkey wins in a fight.
GOAL: This experiment will finally answer the question: which is better, loving or hating?
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EXPERIMENT IDEA: Robot child
METHODOLOGY: We all know the classic Nature vs. Nurture experiment where one monkey was raised by a nice mother, and another monkey by a spiky robot mother. In this experiment, a monkey will raise a spiky robot child and we'll see what that's like.
GOAL: It would be very interesting to see a monkey team up with a spiky robot. This experiment could end up with a cool movie being made about the antics the monkey and robot will inevitably get into.
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EXPERIMENT IDEA: Can a Monkey Out-Drink Me?
METHODOLOGY: I buy two cases of beer, one for me and one for the monkey. Then we go toe to toe seeing who can drink the most the fastest.
PURPOSE: This experiment is just a good time for the monkey and me. I guess it would also determine how cool a monkey could be at a party.
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EXPERIMENT IDEA: Make a Monkey with Big Ol’ Claws
METHODOLOGY: This one is simple. We use science to breed a monkey with big ol’ claws.
PURPOSE: Fighting crime
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EXPERIMENT IDEA: How Pretty can a Monkey Be?
METHODOLOGY: We get a monkey and make it as pretty as possible. Like we give it lipstick and makeup and a dress. Then we send it to a speed dating session and see if it can get anyone's number.
PURPOSE: I'm pretty sure no matter how pretty you try to make a monkey, you'll still be able to tell it's a monkey. This experiment will help us figure out how many weirdos out there will try to date a monkey.
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EXPERIMENT IDEA: Elongated Monkey
METHODOLOGY: We'll put a monkey on one of those stretcher things they tortured people with in medieval times. But we won't torture the monkey—we'll just stretch it a little bit at a time to make it longer and longer.
PURPOSE: I want to see how long a monkey can get. It will also help the monkey reach bananas at the top of the tree. It's really a win-win. I get to see a long monkey, and it doesn't have to fight over low-hanging fruit.
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EXPERIMENT IDEA: Monkey Electricity
METHODOLOGY: In this experiment, we'll give a monkey a kite with a key on it and send it out in a thunderstorm, Benjamin Franklin style. Then we will see if it invents the lightbulb.
PURPOSE: If the monkey can figure out electricity, man that’d be cool. The purpose of this is to get monkeys interested in science so they can do experiments for us.
