Job Listing: Santa is retiring and the North Pole is looking for a replacement. We're searching for a fresh Santa with a fun gimmick to reinvigorate the excitement of children around the world.
//
—What kind of Santa would you be?
—I think I could be Oafish Santa.
—How so?
—My hat dangles too long, so I always trip on it. And I spill the milk and cookies a lot, so I slip on them.
—Hmm.
—And I’d make a lot of mistakes. Maybe one year I’d give the rich kids bad gifts, and the poor kids good gifts. Silly little mixups like that.
—The gift system works fine as it is. We’ll end the interview here.
//
—What’s your deal?
—I’m Sunglasses Santa.
—Anything else to make you stand out?
—Just the sunglasses. They give me a bit of an edge.
—So you’re Edgy Santa?
—I wouldn’t go that far. I have the same jolly personality. I’m just wearing sunglasses.
—Would you wear them at night as well?
—Yes.
—I like that. We’ll be in touch.
//
—And who are you?
—I’m Jumbo Santa.
—Santa is already quite large.
—But he isn’t jumbo. Look at me, I’m huge.
—I worry that you might be so jumbo you’ll scare the children.
—The children need a bit of scaring.
//
—What’s your gimmick?
—I’m Edgy Santa.
—What’s Edgy Santa do?
—I wear a leather jacket. And I curse a lot. Not at the kids, of course, but at mall staff and in interviews.
—Do you have sunglasses?
—I do not.
—You should try sunglasses. I’ve heard they give you a bit of an edge.
//
—Woah, you look rough.
—I’m Unemployed Santa.
—So your thing is you’re Santa without a job?
—Yep.
—But what if you get this job? Then you’d be Employed Santa.
—I suppose so.
—So you wouldn’t bring anything new to the table. You’d be just like the old Santa.
—Did the old Santa smoke cigarettes?
—No.
—Well that would be different. And did the old Santa drink too much?
—No.
—There’s another.
//
—So you’re an elf and you think you’ve worked hard enough to be the next Santa?
—Yes, that is correct.
—You’re a bit too small to be Santa.
—I could be Mini Santa.
—I don’t think we want a Mini Santa. A child might set a trap by putting cookies under a crate propped up with a stick. And then when you grab the cookies you’d hit the stick and be trapped in the crate.
—Please. I’ve been grinding away in the workshop for 300 years.
—I’m afraid we’re going to pass.
—I could wear stilts and be Tall Santa?
—I said we’re going to pass.
