So last Halloween I couldn’t remember if the phrase “like taking candy from a baby” meant something was really easy or really hard. I don’t have kids so I didn’t have a scope of reference on how strong or clever babies are.
Anyway, to figure it out, whenever kids would knock on my door to trick-or-treat I’d take all their candy. And I got my answer–it’s freaking easy! I was so much more powerful than a baby.
So I grab this kid’s candy and he starts crying or whatever and his dad comes rushing to the door all in a huff. And on the way he steps on a rake that was lying there and it shot straight up and smacked him in the face. You know, like what would happen in a funny movie.
And now this guy looks even angrier, like his face is beet-red. So he’s stomping up to the door cursing at me and–BAM–steps on another rake. I kept my whole yard littered with rakes because, come on, it’s hilarious to watch a guy get hit by a rake like that. And it’s even funnier when he’s angry.
But then he says something to me, something that really stuck with me. He said “Hey bud, you’re a menace to society.” And then he stormed off and stepped on another rake.
Once I was done laughing at the guy, I closed the door and started introspecting about the way I live my life. “A menace to society.” Man, I didn’t wanna be that. That sounds like a guy who sucks!
So I start seeing this therapist, right. And it starts off with some small talk, you know. She’s asking me about my hobbies and stuff. Then she asks me if I’m religious and I’m like, yeah I love to go to church. I like it when they pass the plate of money around and I can pick out a few twenties. And if I’m sitting by the right person, I can maybe even snag some Benjamins.
And she’s just looking at me all aghast, saying the money is for the poor or whatever. And then she asks me “Are you destitute enough that you need to steal money from charity?”
And I start laughing like, hold on lady, we’re talking about church here let’s not bring hookers into this. Then she told me she said “destitute” not “prostitute” and I told her I didn't know what that word means. Turns out it means poor. Let me tell ya what–ever since I’ve started taking money from the money plate, I haven’t been poor at all.
So the session ends, and she tells me she’s pretty sure I’m evil. Then she gave me the bill and it’s like, woah, who’s really the evil one here? I’m gonna have to start going to church more with these prices!
Anyway, she recommended I see her once a week so I can “change my ways,” and I figured I’d share some of the notes here so you don’t have to waste all your time and money going to therapy yourself. Just do all the stuff I’ve learned here and you’ll be a good person in no time.
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1. Wallet Etiquette
You ever see some guy drop his wallet on the ground? The old me would see this as the perfect opportunity for a prank. Here’s how the prank goes. Remember, if you want to be a good person, don’t do it.
So the first thing you do is open it up and make sure his license is in there. Great, now you have his address so you can bring the wallet back to him later. But first, you stop off at a brothel and use all his credit cards. Then you bring him back the wallet and he’s none the wiser, but come on man, how is he gonna explain those charges to his wife? It’s hilarious just thinking about the guy trying to talk his way out of that one!
But like I said, it turns out this is mean. What a good person would do is pick up the wallet, take out five or ten dollars for yourself, and then return it without doing the whole brothel prank. My therapist said you shouldn’t even take any money for yourself and just return it, but hey–I’m trying to be a good person, not a perfect one.
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2. Opium Dens
Did you know good people don’t go to opium dens? I sure didn’t. Man, I used to love a good opium den. The best part is, before you do any opium yourself, you can kind of mess with the other people in there. You can give them wet willies and slap ‘em around a little bit, and they won’t do anything because they’re so high on the opium! It’s a hoot. And then you do some opium yourself and you’re like, man, this is good living.
Except apparently, it’s not good living. It’s concerning behavior. I don’t know how much I agree on this one, but if you want to be a good person, it’s best to just steer clear of opium dens.
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3. Creating Traps
Remember the thing I said about how I put rakes all over my lawn so people will walk into them? Turns out that’s bad. You shouldn’t go around setting traps. Sometimes you think you just can’t help it.
You’ll think of a really cool and elaborate trap, like you dig a big hole in a park and fill it with scorpions and then crudely cover it up with some leaves and sticks. Before you know it somebody falls in screaming and you’re just on the side laughing! Oh and also you greased the sides of the hole so the guy who fell in can’t climb out easily.
Yep, even if you think of a great trap like that, you shouldn’t go through with it. I hate it too, but these are the kinds of sacrifices you have to make if you want to be good.
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4. Amber
No, I’m not talking about a person named Amber. Although if you do meet someone with that name, I guess you should be nice to them and not call them Hamber and start making pig noises. Especially if you can tell they struggle with their weight. That’s something the old, funny me would do.
No, I’m talking about amber, the stuff that comes from sap and fossilizes things. You know, like in Jurassic Park. If you’re like me, you watched that movie and were like, man, this amber stuff has some hilarious implications. For the past few years, I keep drenching my neighbors with buckets of tree sap when they aren’t suspecting it. I’m hoping eventually they’ll just give in and turn into a fossil. And that would be quite the spectacle, a person fossilized in amber. Not only is it funny, but I bet I could also sell them to some fossil collector.
But yeah, it’s mean. So now I’ve got all this tree sap and nothing to do with it.
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5. Ice Skating
Don’t bring a bunch of rakes to throw on the ice in front of people while they’re skating so they pop up and hit them in the face. This also applies to roller skating.
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6. Outdoor Concerts
You know when you go to a concert and they pat you down to make sure you don’t have any weapons? Well, step one of being a good person–don’t have any weapons! But you also shouldn’t have a magnifying glass.
The security guards will let you bring it in, but it’s all too tempting to aim it at the guy in front of you’s skull so the sun starts singing his hair. Before you know it his head is on fire and it’s hilarious because he’s going to be bald now!
If you think you can bring a magnifying glass to a concert and resist this urge, go for it. You’re a stronger person than I am.
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7. Career Choice
As a good person, there are a few careers you just shouldn’t get into. Even if they sound fun, you just shouldn’t do them. And as it turns out, some of my favorite jobs aren’t considered honest jobs by most people. I’m talking mostly about being a pimp and being a professional wire fraud guy.
There’s another one you may want to avoid that isn’t as obvious though, and that’s undercover cop. You may think being an undercover cop is cool, because you get to hang out in the opium dens all day doing opium. It turns out that your job is to report these kinds of things and not just join in and take the opium. Otherwise you’re corrupt. In case you don’t know what that means, it means bad.
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8. Carnivals
Carnies aren’t people, right? According to my therapist, they are. I used to love going to carnivals and playing the game where you spray the water gun at the target to make the little thing go up and win a stuffed animal. Only I didn’t care about the stuffed animal–the prize for me was always spraying the carnie’s pants so it looked like they peed themselves!
I also liked to do the basketball game and just throw the balls right at the carnie’s head. But carnies are actual people, and I guess you can’t treat actual people like that, so you’ve just gotta have some restraint. Now there’s barely anything I enjoy about carnivals. Or anything at all really.
