Each year a turkey receives a Presidential pardon on Thanksgiving Day. Usually, the turkeys that are pardoned are guilty of nothing other than being delicious.
This year that was not the case. The White House staff would like to apologize for the pardoning of this year’s turkey. We were truly unaware of the turkey’s troublesome past.
We were not aware that not only did the turkey know how to use a gun, but it had used one to rob several local businesses.
We were not aware that the turkey had a history of giving bad checks to its landlord. In the future, we will run a credit check against the turkeys.
We were not aware of the turkey’s questionable search history.
We were not aware that the turkey had thirteen DUIs, nor that it was running a speakeasy in the back of a daycare.
We were not aware that the turkey was having an affair with an underage hen.
We were not aware that the turkey was capable of speaking human language, but that it only spoke in slurs.
We were not aware that the turkey signed up to bring drinks for its company's party, but then showed up empty-handed and everyone was really thirsty.
We were not aware that immediately after being pardoned, the turkey would kidnap the First Lady and hold her hostage in its roost.
We were not aware that the turkey had defrauded the government on multiple occasions. We were not aware it had used its ill-gotten gains to develop a mind-control gas that it spread over the city.
We were not aware that the turkey was responsible for two hundred instances of piracy in the Gulf of Guinea.
We were not aware that the turkey went by Dr. Terror von Gobble. We were not aware that the turkey had been pinning its crimes on another turkey. In retrospect, the pardon should have been given to the Reverend Gobbler Friendlyfeather.
We were not aware that the turkey was both running a cockfighting ring and participating as a fighter.
We were not aware that the turkey was a Disney adult.
We were not aware that the turkey had invented a time machine, which it used to go back in time and burn the Library of Alexandria.
We were aware that the turkey could do a backflip. To be honest, it was so cool that it made us skip the background check.
