I thought I was too old for trick-or-treating. That was until I watched the news. It said you should check all your kid’s candy to see if it’s been tampered with. But how can you tamper with candy, I wondered.
The news answered my question. You can tamper with candy by putting all sorts of drugs in it. So you’re telling me my neighbors are handing out drugs? And the drugs are candy-flavored? Man, kids have it made these days.
Then I realized there aren’t any laws saying adults can’t trick-or-treat. And so I did it. I came back with my pail of candy and looked for all the tampered-with ones, or as I like to call them, the fun ones.
Unfortunately, my neighbors are all a bunch of jerks and did the wrong kind of tampering. I only got a bunch of candy with razor blades in them.
But then I decided, be the change you want to see in the world. How could I tamper candy to make it better? What would I want stuffed into my candy if I were a kid? So here it is, my list of cool things you can put in Halloween candy before you hand it out.
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1. Real Cigarettes in Candy Cigarettes
As a kid, a candy cigarette is one of the coolest things to get, because you can pretend to smoke it. But you know what would be even cooler than that? A real cigarette, that you can smoke for real. Or you can pretend to eat it, as a funny joke. I’d only hand this one out to kids who look like they’re too old to trick-or-treat.
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2. Wisdom
If there’s one thing the kids of today need, it’s wisdom. I’m exactly sure how you’d imbue wisdom in candy, probably because I’m not wise enough. But if somebody figures it out, I’d love a piece.
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3. Better Candy
The worst part of Halloween is getting a bad piece of candy or a box of raisins. But if you tamper with the box of raisins and put a good candy in there, you’ll make a kid’s night. And if you put another box of raisins inside the good candy, as a trick, you can turn that fleeting moment of joy into bewilderment. It’s good for kids to get tricked sometimes.
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4. Fireworks
If there’s one thing kids love more than candy, it’s having their own fireworks. Most parents won’t let their kids play with fireworks, so this is your chance to be a hero. Don’t worry, it’s not like you’re giving them a book of matches to light them with.
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5. A Book of Matches
If there’s one thing kids love more than fireworks, it’s their own book of matches.
