Did you know that the military uses dolphins for war? I didn’t find that out until I signed up and got assigned to the dolphin tank because of a paperwork error. I’m always finding things out because of paperwork errors.
I didn’t know much about dolphins on my first day. The only thing I knew about them was they had slimy skin and were pretty stupid. A dolphin will laugh at anything. Trust me, I’d know. I’ve bombed just about every standup comedy set I’ve ever done except for ones at the aquarium. I’ll admit, the “eee-eee-eees” those dolphins make does wonders for the old ego.
Anyway, when I got to the dolphin tank I found out only one of those facts I knew about dolphins was true. And no, it wasn’t the slimy skin thing. Those guys are slick as ever. But it turns out they aren’t stupid. Those “eee-eee-eees” aren’t actually laughing, that’s just how dolphins talk.
I know what you’re thinking–that’s how they talk? Why don’t they just use English? It’s because they have different mouths than us. That’s another thing I learned about them.
So there I was at the dolphin tank, swimming around with the dolphins, when this big guy who I guess was my military boss told me to get out. I said this is where I work. He said that must be an error, and I said I don’t know what to tell you, it’s right here on the paper. But when I went to show him the paper, it was all soggy from the water. So he just had to take my word for it.
I told him maybe it had said dolphin trainer, and not a guy in the dolphin tank, so he went and called his supervisor. Nope, I was right. I got assigned to be in the tank. So I’d better get to work. That’s what he told me.
I wasn’t sure what exactly I was supposed to do, because I wasn’t very good at the things the dolphins were. For example, I can’t use sonar.
You might not know this, but dolphins have sonar built into their heads. That’s why the military wanted them. Because they can sonarily find anything the enemy is hiding underwater, like mines or submarines or cursed treasure. Also, it makes the enemy feel pretty bad when they realize their plans were foiled by a dolphin.
I thought maybe I could ride one of the dolphins and be some sort of dolphin cowboy. No shot, because the dolphins go pretty deep when they’re looking for stuff in the ocean.
I think I was supposed to be doing something though, because the dolphins were getting pretty mad at me. You ever seen two dolphins bounce around a ball at SeaWorld? Well it’s a lot less fun when they’re doing it with your stuff. Especially when your stuff is a cool cowboy hat you just bought that can’t get wet.
One of the dolphins started talking to me using its sonar brain. It told me that dolphins can actually communicate with people via their minds but they keep it a secret. If they let too many humans in on it, they’d make them do more work. Boring work like accounting.
I asked why it let me in on it, and he said he got the vibe that most humans thought of me as a fool. They wouldn’t take stock in anything I said. He had me there. It’s probably why I ended up in the dolphin tank.
The upside of working with the dolphins is that they like to party after work. They pour beers straight into their blowholes and go crazy. Usually it’s a good time, except for when they play “Drag the Human to the Bottom of the Ocean.” I hate that game. But besides that it’s pretty fun.
Unfortunately, just as I was getting settled into things I got some new orders. The military told me they thought I’d be fine in the dolphin tank because I’d be out of the way of the real work. Can’t mess anything up in the dolphin tank. But that’s where they were wrong. The dolphins were drunker than ever, and they pinned it all on me.
So now I’m sitting around waiting to get my next assignment. I’m hoping this time I can work with some great apes and become the military’s first chimp cowboy.
