I got a new job doing door-to-door sales, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I mean some things, sure, I’d trade it for some things. But not just anything.
I’d probably trade it for my old job back, which was being a manager with a big office. Now that was good living. You could do anything you wanted in an office like that. Well, just about anything.
You couldn’t smoke in there. Or drink a lot. And you definitely couldn’t celebrate Naked Tuesdays. Those were the kinds of things that got you demoted to door-to-door salesman.
It’s not all bad, selling door-to-door. Sometimes people have a novelty doorbell that plays a funny song. That’s always a treat. But it’s not without its challenges.
One of the biggest challenges is those signs that say “No Soliciting.” I have a pretty good strategy for getting around those though. I ignore them.
People yell at you a lot too. I’ve never had so many people tell me to scram. I don’t even know if anybody had told me to scram before this gig. It’s a bit dehumanizing, really. Makes you feel like a dog.
Dogs too, that’s another challenge. People are always siccing dogs on me.
The biggest challenge though is that I’m not very good at the job. I had the lowest sales recorded in company history. Negative one sales, that’s my claim to fame. I was trying to sell some knives to this guy when he showed me some better knives that he had. They were pretty cool, so I bought them with my company card.
Then he told me he could sell me some insurance too. I asked him what kind of insurance, but he just kind of mumbled and looked away. I had to hand it to him, he was a good salesman.
After that I got fired. “Can I at least keep the company card?” I’d asked. They said no. That was a bummer because I really wanted to go back and get that insurance.
Even though I got fired, I haven’t given up. I’m still selling things door-to-door on my own. My idea is this—sell big, or sell nothing. All I need to do is make one big sale and I’m set. Here are some things I’m currently trying to sell.
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1. Blimps
I saw that there are only about twenty-five blimps left in America right now. Now why's that? Probably because there aren’t enough people selling them.
I don’t have any blimps on hand, but once I make the sale I can figure that part out afterwards.
The hardest part about selling a blimp is the Hindenburg. Everyone always wants to bring up the Hindenburg. The conversation usually goes like this:
“Won’t the blimp explode like the Hindenburg did in the disaster of 1937?”
“No, that one only exploded because it was filled with hydrogen.”
“Are your blimps filled with hydrogen?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know. What are you asking me for?”
“You’re the one selling the blimp.”
“Well I’m not a science guy. I don’t know what they fill these things with. Probably not hydrogen. But maybe don’t smoke on it just to be safe.”
That’s usually when I lose the sale. Everyone wants to smoke on their blimps.
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2. Rights to My Firstborn Son’s Name
This one seems like a lock. I let people have the option to choose the name of my firstborn son. Everyone wants to name somebody else’s kid. It makes them feel powerful.
Not me though. I don’t care about things like that. Call the kid whatever you want. It’s not like I have to live with the name. This one also hasn’t worked out yet. Here’s how the conversation usually goes:
“Why would I want to pay you to name your son?”
“Because you’d have power over me.”
“Why would I want to pay for that? I just feel bad for you.”
“You could name him anything you want. Even a fake name like Glurbo.”
“I don’t want to pay to name your kid Glurbo.”
“That was just an example. It could be any name.”
“To be honest, you don’t even look like the person who could find a woman who would have kids with you.”
There isn’t any arguing with that, so I just go home at that point.
—
3. A Piece of Land on Mars
This one should be an easy sell. Everyone wants to own a piece of land for themselves. And since nobody has made any claims on Mars, I decided that I’d call dibs on all of it. I sent a letter to the president and everything. He didn’t reply, so I took that as a “good-to-go” on my dibs.
But even though the president acknowledges my claim to Mars, I still have trouble selling it. It usually goes like this:
“You want to sell me a piece of Mars?”
“Correct.”
“But you can’t do that.”
“I can too. I called dibs on it. I sent a letter to the president.”
“Oh yeah, when did you send that letter?”
“Last week.”
“Well I called dibs and sent a letter to the president two weeks ago.”
That’s when I take off and run. I don’t want to have to get lawyers involved.
—
4. Mob Healthcare
Everyone knows a good mob doctor. Or so I thought. It turns out that most people aren’t involved with the mob the way I am. I’ve always found myself intertwined with those guys, usually against my will.
But a mob doctor is a good connection to have. I cut a deal with him where I can sell surgeries door-to-door. Unfortunately, people aren’t taking to this one either. The conversation is usually something like this:
“You want me to pay you to see a mob doctor?”
“That’s the idea.”
“But I don’t need any surgery.”
“Are you sure? Everyone can always use a little bit of surgery.”
“What kind of surgery would I need?”
“I don’t know, new kneecaps?”
“Is that a threat?”
“No, of course not. I’m not in the mob, I won’t break your kneecaps. I’m just saying you might want some new ones.”
“Why would I want those?”
“They’re metal. It would make the sensors go off at TSA.”
“Why would I want that?”
“It would give you something to talk about to the person sitting next to you on the plane.”
Most of the time the door gets slammed in my face right about then. One guy actually smashed my kneecaps when I kept pushing the sale and I had to buy surgery from myself. You just have to laugh at situations like that. Lots of irony in door-to-door sales.
—
5. Big Ideas
This one seems the easiest to sell since it’s all theoretical. I show up to a guy’s house and sell him on a big idea that I have. Then he does whatever he wants with it. It’s his now.
But you guessed it, no bites so far. I haven’t sold a single idea. Here’s how the conversation usually goes:
“You want to sell me an idea?”
“A big idea.”
“What would I do with that?”
“Anything you want. If you bump into a guy at the bar and he says, ‘Hey, what’s the big idea pal?’ Well, there you go. You have your big idea.”
“Let’s hear it then.”
“Hear what?”
“The big idea.”
“You’ll have to pay me to hear the idea.”
And with that I lose the sale every time. To be honest, they’re probably making the right bet there. My ideas aren’t all that good. So far none of my ideas for door-to-door sales have panned out. In fact, I think the only good idea I’ve ever had was Naked Tuesdays. And look where that got me.
