Whenever I see a lamp, I rub it. I rub it all over. That’s a rule I live by. And no, before you ask, I’m not some kind of lamp pervert. I’m just always looking for a genie.
I’ll rub just about any lamp I come across. I’ll rub a desk lamp, a floor lamp, a lava lamp–I even get up and rub my TV before a Pixar movie just in case there’s a genie hiding in that one.
But if you’ve hunted for a genie before, you know most of the time it’s a futile effort. Most of the time no genie comes out, and you’re stuck there rubbing a street lamp while people call you a creep.
But when there’s the possibility of finding a genie, how could you give up? And last week, it finally paid off. I was in an antique store and saw a nice Tiffany lamp, and I couldn’t wait to rub it. I blew the dust off and gave it a good rub. To my surprise, a genie appeared right behind me! And to my even greater surprise, it wasn’t a genie, just the lady who owned the antique shop who happened to be wearing some genie-like clothes.
But she said if I was looking for a genie, she might be able to help me. She went into the back room and came back with one of those stereotypical genie lamps. I wasn’t sure if it’d really have a genie in it, because it seemed a bit too obvious. Surely a modern genie would want a lamp with electricity in it, no? But she assured me it was real. So I bought it from her and took it home, eager to get some wishes.
I rubbed the lamp and, sure enough, a big genie came out of it. I told him how excited I was. I told him all about the lamp-rubbing I’d done in my life. He said I was a big idiot for doing that. In fact, he said I was so much of an idiot, he’d waive the whole three wishes thing and give me as many as I wanted. I was an easy mark, he said.
The thing about genies, you see, is they’re always trying to trick you. They’ll give you your wish, sure, but you won’t like the way they do it. I guess it’s fun for them to be mean to people. If I were a genie, I would be a nice genie. But you have to make do, so I started wishing away. I figured if I knew the genie was trying to trick me, I’d find a way to get around it.
Boy was I wrong! Right off the bat I made about a hundred bad wishes that made my life a whole lot worse. Here’s the worst ones I made. I’d read over, because if you find a genie yourself, you don’t want to make the same mistakes I did.
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1. For Top Hats to Be Fashionable Again
I’ve always thought the top hat was a top-tier headpiece. I mean, back in the day, the president wore one. Can you imagine the president wearing a top hat now? He’d get laughed out of the country.
And so, I wished for top hats to be back in vogue. Unfortunately, the genie also made it so top hats were sold out everywhere and I was the only person who didn’t own one. On top of that, he made it so newsboy hats were incredibly unpopular, to the point where people are repulsed by them. And he made it so I had a huge collection of them.
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2. To Make Computers Easier
This wish I made when I was sitting around feeling dumb. I couldn’t figure out this thing on my computer, so I wished they were easier.
The genie snapped his fingers, and just like that, computers were easier. Everyone and their mother was going crazy on these things. I saw a little kid using one to program a robot friend like it was nothing to him.
But the thing is, even though computers were easier for everyone else, they were still hard for me for some reason. I don’t know if that was the genie’s doing or not, but this wish ended up making me feel even stupider than I already did.
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3. For My Worst Enemy to Get Very Fat
This next wish was a little mean, I’ll admit it, but I wished for my worst enemy to get very fat. My worst enemy is my old roommate, Carl. He’s my enemy because he always killed the vibe in our apartment by bringing this little kid over all the time. I think he was in this thing called the Big Brother program or something.
Anyway, I wished for him to get very fat. And the genie did it. But guess what else he did? He made it so there was a movie that was casting a fat guy and they hired Carl, and the role launched him into superstardom. And then he got a personal trainer and got super ripped for a different movie he was in. Now my worst enemy is an inspirational celebrity.
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4. To Know How to Pronounce Worcestershire Sauce
This wish I thought was a lock. Simple, and there was no way to twist it. The only problem is, it makes me come across as a jerk. Because whenever somebody inevitably can’t pronounce it, I get this urge to correct them and tell them that I know how to pronounce it right.
And even if they go, “oh, alright,” if I can tell they don’t really believe me, I get the urge to pull up the pronunciation on my phone to prove I’m right. This wish really made me come across as quite arrogant.
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5. To Have a Monument to Me in the Park
I always thought it would be cool to have a monument to me, so I thought, hey, why not wish for one now that I have this genie. There are a few reasons why I shouldn’t have thought that. The first is that the genie made the plaque below it say “Famous Lamp Pervert.”
The second is that he made it resemble me a bit too much and my shirt’s off.
The third is he put a statue of a handsome and strong guy next to me, and it really emphasizes how much I don’t look like that.
And also, people keep vandalizing the plaque. Under “Famous Lamp Pervert” they write in “Human Version of the Pillsbury Doughboy.” This wish has really given my self-esteem a beating.
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6. Make It So People on the Other Side of the Phone Always Sound like Charlie Brown’s Parents
I guess I thought it’d be funny whenever I’m talking to somebody on the phone for them to sound all “wah, wah-wah, wah, wah” like the people on the Charlie Brown phones. I’ll give it to the genie, he didn’t twist this wish at all. He just granted it as is. Probably because this wish was terrible and now I can’t do just about anything over the phone. I have to mail a letter to order a pizza.
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7. To Never Slip on Ice Again
Whenever it’s winter, I’m always slipping on ice and looking like an idiot, so I made this wish to put an end to that. The genie granted it by giving me some new feet. My new feet are great on ice, and I don’t slip at all. Unfortunately, they’re terrible on anything not ice so I slip on everything else. Concrete, sand, tile–name any surface besides ice, I’m slipping on it like a fool.
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8. For Godzilla to Be Real
Yet another wish the genie didn’t need to change. I kind of assumed he’d make a nice version of Godzilla real, one that would want to be my pet or best friend. But nope, he made a real Godzilla just like the one from the movie. He’s been destroying all the major cities in the world with his laser breath.
And the worst part is there’s this new Godzilla Defense Tax we all have to pay. Hey, I didn’t vote for that! Let him destroy it all, I say.
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9. For an Attractive Wife
My first wish was going to be for a hot wife, but I could just see the genie giving me a wife made of lava so I rethought it. I figured wishing for an attractive wife would be a safe bet. And sure, the wife he gave me is very pretty, but he made her attractive in the wrong way. She’s magnetically attractive, so there’s all sorts of fun couple activities we can’t do together, like having a meal using metal utensils or visiting an old iron mine.
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10. To Be More Famous Than My Old Roommate Carl
I was getting sick of how famous the genie had made Carl, so I wished to be more famous. Unfortunately, the genie made me famous for being the worst guy in the world. I don’t even know you can be famous for that, but he sure did it. Everywhere I go people are scowling at me now.
What did I even do, I ask them. But they don’t answer, they just scowl. I tried to tell the genie that this was more like being infamous than famous, but he said I should have specified that.
