Usually a Halloween party is very fun, because you get to wear a scary costume and really lean into being a creepy person. That’s what I like about them anyways.
This year I was going as a mummy. Only when I went to wrap myself in gauze, I realized I didn’t own any gauze because I’m not a surgeon or a gauze-peddler. And yeah, I could have used toilet paper, but I didn’t want to risk anybody asking if my costume was supposed to be “Toilet Boy” or something like that, because, albeit funny, “Toilet Boy” is not a scary costume.
Anyway, I figured if I didn’t have gauze, Band-Aids were close enough, so I started sticking them all over myself. Before I knew it, I was covered head to just above the base of my neck in Band-Aids and I didn’t have any left.
So, I went to the store to get some more Band-Aids. In retrospect, I could have gone to the store to get gauze, but I already had my head all Band-Aided up and decided to commit to that.
I get to my buddy Ron’s house covered in Band-Aids and the first thing he does is open the door and give me this weird look. Then he says, “What are you supposed to be?”
And I didn’t say anything, because I was in character and I don’t think mummies are able to say anything. I just strolled on past him while everyone looked at my Band-Aids all confused.
Finally, I stood up on the coffee table and made an out-of-character announcement. I yelled, “I’m a mummy.” I expected some “ohhh’s” as people finally understood, but the only person who said anything was Ron. He said, “Get off my coffee table.”
But whatever, maybe these people just didn’t know what a mummy was or something. Besides, the best part of Halloween is trick or treating anyway. That’s even better than the costumes.
You may think that if you’re at the age you’re going to a party on Halloween night, you’re too old to be trick or treating. That’s only half true. You’re never too old for tricking.
Most people say that the “trick” in “trick or treating” is pulling pranks, but I’ve always interpreted it as showing people my cool tricks. I practice doing cool tricks the entire month of October just to bust them out at a party.
So I get back up on the coffee table and roll my eyes at Ron before he can say anything again, and I make an announcement that I’m about to start tricking. Everyone stared, probably in anticipation, and then I pulled out a little puppet and started doing ventriloquism. I’m not that good at it, and when I tried to do the bit where you drink as the puppet talks I choked and spit beer all over Ron’s rug, but it was still a pretty good trick.
After that everyone stood in silence, until this big guy dressed as Tarzan walked up and ripped the puppet from my hand. Then he went outside and threw it into a bonfire and everybody cheered.
I tried to keep the bit going by ventriloquizing my puppet screaming in the fire, but I don’t think anybody understood the bit. I think they thought I was struggling to breathe through my costume because they started ripping all the Band-Aids off my face.
In a last ditch effort to save the party, I ran to the bathroom and covered myself in toilet paper. I burst out and screamed, “I’m Toilet Boy.” Then Ron recommended I go home for the night.
