Everyone wants a vacation home. It’s probably the best type of home to have. And on the surface, they all seem pretty good. But there’s a few things they don’t tell you about them.
For example, if you have a place in the mountains, you’re probably going to have to deal with Bigfoot every now and then. And if you have a beach house, you’ll have to deal with Bigfoot on a jet ski. A ski cabin can be nice, but you can’t forget about that Yeti. He’s pretty much Bigfoot but meaner. Trust me.
That’s why for my vacation house, I decided to get something in the jungle. The jungle is nice, because nobody really lives out there. You can plop yourself down for free and build a nice treehouse. Or, if you’re like me and are bad at using treehouse tools, you can build yourself a little vacation lean-to.
It all sounds great, doesn’t it? Well I’m sad to report it isn’t as good as it sounds. I wouldn’t recommend getting a vacation property in the jungle. Let me clue you in as to why.
1. No Electricity
When I first got a place in the jungle, I realized there weren’t any outlets to plug my cool electronics into. I checked everywhere, even under a gross old log. But I couldn’t find a single outlet.
I tried to look on the bright side, and think about how I wouldn’t have to pay an electricity bill. But you can only look on the bright side for so long before it’s like, alright, I’m bored–give me a freaking TV already!
I’m pretty sure the only way to get electricity is from electric eels, but I haven’t figured out how to plug things into them yet.
2. The Noise
Like I said, there aren’t too many people with vacation property in the jungle. You don’t hear much about the jungle. But once you’re there, all you hear is jungle.
The worst thing you hear are the howler monkeys. Day and night those things are howling. They howl so loud, I can barely hear myself howling. And that’s part of why I got the place, to have a good howl without judgment. But what good is that if you can’t even hear yourself over some stupid monkeys?
3. Logging Companies
Another thing I forgot about the jungle is that there are all these companies that want to turn it into logs. And if you have a little lean-to like me, they’ll try to turn that into logs too. They don’t care. “Just give me all the wood I can get my hands on.” That’s their attitude towards it.
The worst part is they’re stingy about the logs. They won’t give you any unless you buy them wholesale. What am I supposed to do with ten thousand logs? I just need one to make a new lean-to.
4. Jane Goodall
Jane Goodall is probably the most famous person to work in the jungle. She was the best researcher of gorillas, and no scientist can even compare. She figured out so many things about gorillas, and her research is actually more impressive than the scientists who put a man on the moon if you think about it.
At least that’s what she tells me. Jane Goodall won’t leave me alone. I don’t think she gets many guests in the jungle, so I just have to sit there and listen to her yammer on.
5. My Foot Keeps Getting Digested
There are a lot of pitcher plants in the jungle. If you don’t know what a pitcher plant is, it’s basically a dumb plant shaped like a pitcher with a bunch of juices in it.
It’s not what you’re thinking though. They aren’t the good kind of juices, like orange or cranberry, they’re the gross kind of juices, the digestive kind.
Now, I’m always climbing up trees in the jungle to try and hunt sloths. But if you aren’t careful, you’ll fall out of the trees and your foot will land right in a pitcher plant.
And if you’re lazy, you’ll sit there with your foot in it for a while and let the pitcher plant digest it. Because it’s just like whatever, if I can’t hunt a sloth maybe I deserve to have my foot digested a little.
6. No Treasure
I was led to believe that there would be a lot of ancient temples and hidden treasure in the jungle. I blame the media and society for letting me believe that.
But it turns out there’s barely any treasure at all. Unless you count yellow fever as treasure.
7. It’s Hard to Get a Banana
It turns out bananas are hard to get in the jungle. I thought I could just walk up to any old tree and snag one for free.
You’d be better off just going to a grocery store. They’re cheap, you know. You don’t actually need them for free. I’ve realized that.
First off, they’re high up in the tree, and as I already mentioned I fall out of those a lot. And second, the monkeys get first dibs on the bananas. If you try to take a banana before a monkey, it will do horrible things to you. Horrible, horrible things.
8. Tarzan
Oh yeah, turns out Tarzan is a real guy and not just from a cartoon. And man is he a headache to deal with. I’d rather listen to the howler monkeys than hear him yell as he swings from vine.
The worst part about Tarzan though is that all the women love him. And there aren’t many women living out here in the jungle. But on the off chance there is, you just know she’s walking right out of my lean-to and into Tarzan’s arms, swinging off into the distance.
The only woman who doesn’t like Tarzan is Jane Goodall, and I think that’s because she’s jealous of his relationship with the gorillas.
