So I found one of those Frosty the Snowman hats. The kind that make a snowman come alive when you put it on him. I was walking through the forest and there it was, lying under some branches.
I knew it was was one of the magic Frosty the Snowman hats, because it had that stupid flower stuck to it. I made a little snowman to test it out, but I didn’t have enough coal in my pockets to finish the smile. When I put the hat on, he wasn’t too happy.
“Why would you bring me to life in this unfinished state?” he wailed. “At least give me a corncob pipe!”
I didn’t have a corncob pipe, so I offered him a cigarette. I let him smoke it a bit before I took the hat back and made him lifeless again.
The beauty of the Frosty the Snowman hat is that it can make anything come to life, not just snowmen. And I had a whole slew of ideas of what to use it on.
My first stop was the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History. I went to the exhibit where they have those mannequins that look like cavemen. I put the hat on one, and he came alive. He was grunting all confused, and he started wrecking the exhibit with his club. It was pretty funny.
But then he locked eyes with me. I think he didn’t like me, because he started hitting his club against his hand and grunting. Just as I thought he was going to pummel me, he got distracted by his reflection in a window. Then he noticed the hat on his head.
The thing about cavemen is they aren’t very smart. What you and I might recognize as a hat, they might recognize as a weird creature that’s eating their head. So he used his club to knock the hat right off. Silly caveman, you can’t go knocking that hat off. It’s the only thing keeping you alive! Sure enough, he became a mannequin again, and I was escorted out by the security guard.
After the Smithsonian, I stopped by a friend’s dinner party. “What’s up with that dumb flower hat?” my buddy asked me.
“I’ll show you,” I said, and I plopped it on his head, making him turn double alive. This made him glow and levitate off the ground. I think he was becoming a god. I yanked the hat off him. No more making people become double alive–noted.
For dinner, there was one of those roasted pigs with an apple in its mouth. As a joke, I put the hat on the pig. It came alive and started gagging on the apple. I was the only one laughing.
Then it spit out the apple and squealed, “Please don’t eat me, please don’t eat me!” Again, I was the only one laughing. Come on, the hat made it speak English words like a cartoon pig, how do you not see the humor in that?
One of the guests said it was offputting hearing their dinner beg them not to eat it. So I shoved the apple back in its mouth so it couldn’t speak again, just gag. Then the host took the hat off sent me home with it. Hey, whatever. I still had more things to do with that hat.
On the walk home, I started hatting everything. I put it on a street lamp and watched it dance a little bit. Then I put it on a bike that was chained to the lamp and told it it was locked up for heinous crimes it comitted. It had only just come alive and didn’t understand why else it’d be chained up, so it believed me.
I hatted a USPS Collection Box to see if I could talk it into coughing up some Christmas cards with money. No shot, it said to me. Well you’re not alive anymore then, I said to it. Then I snatched back my hat.
At some point I found a second Frosty the Snowman hat, so I made two different snowmen come alive and fight to the death with hairdryers. Then I took the winner’s hat and put it on the loser’s hat, to make a living Frosty the Snowman hat. This kind of confused both hats, and they began morphing into a big hat-creature. I quickly separated them and threw the other hat away. I really only needed one.
Once I got home, I hatted a few more things around the house. I did a stuffed monkey–it was funny. I did a bust of Abraham Lincoln-he was insightful. And then I did a knife–it was scary.
After all this, the novelty was starting to wear off. I didn’t need this hat to make my life interesting. I was interesting enough already. Or was I? Was that even a question I was struggling with? I didn’t know the answer, but I knew the hat was getting boring, so I tossed it in the fireplace to watch it burn. I was a little worried it would make the fire come alive, but fire can’t wear a hat, so all was well.
I sat in front of the warm fire until I fell asleep, dreaming of whatever magical item I’d find laying around next Christmas. I’m hoping for one of those Polar Express tickets so I can ride Amtrak for free.
