Day 1
It’s the first day of the Arctic exploration. The expedition lead assigned me to Sector B. My colleague, Dr. Hoffman, was assigned to Sector C. I look forward to searching this frozen wasteland for remnants of the past.
—
Day 2
What a day! I found a frozen mammoth in one of the glaciers in Sector B. It’s not everyday you find a mammoth in a glacier. In my experience, the only thing you usually find in a glacier is more glacier.
—
Day 3
Today I went back to the mammoth and began the arduous process of chiseling it out of the ice for further research. While I was doing this, Dr. Hoffman yelled out and brought everyone over to Sector C. He had found a glacier with two mammoths in it.
I’ll admit it, I was a little bit jealous, since it kind of detracted from my mammoth, but I was happy so many findings were being had on this expedition.
—
Day 4
I’m starting to get a little annoyed at Dr. Hoffman. Today he came by Sector B to check out my mammoth again. He kept saying things like, “Not too bad for a Sector B mammoth,” and “I remember when I found my first mammoth. And then I remember when I found my second immediately after!”
—
Day 5
I’m starting to feel like I’m unqualified to be here. I spent all day trying to find something else in the glaciers of Sector B, but I came up empty handed. I went over to Sector C, and saw that Dr. Hoffman had found a glacier with a monkey in it.
He chiseled the last bit of ice and broke the monkey free. Somehow, the monkey was still alive and started doing a little dance. Then it started shivering, so I offered it my coat.
Turns out it was only pretending to be cold, because it started biting and ripping my coat apart with a big smile on its face. Then it pointed at me and laughed. Then Dr. Hoffman pointed at me and laughed too.
“Isn’t this monkey hilarious?” he asked me.
“It sure is,” I grumbled and walked back to Sector B.
—
Day 6
Another waste of day over in Sector B. It wasn’t a waste for Dr. Hoffman though. I got back to the camp and he was drinking by the fire with some woman.
“Who’s that woman?” I asked him.
“My new girlfriend,” he told me.
There weren’t any women on the expedition, but with Dr. Hoffman’s luck he’d managed to find a beautiful cave lady frozen in a glacier. He chiseled her out and asked her to get drinks.
“There’s another frozen lady left in Sector C if you’re interested,” he told me.
I ran over to Sector C and chiseled her out of the glacier. Only instead of getting drinks with me like Dr. Hoffman’s cave lady, she beat me over the head with a club she had.
—
Day 7
Today I found a Siberian tiger frozen in a glacier. Not too bad, I thought. Maybe we could clone it or something. The expedition lead told me it was a nice find, but we couldn’t clone it unless we had a cloning machine.
Of course, at the same time I found the tiger Dr. Hoffman found an entire cloning machine in a Sector C glacier.
“Wonderful,” the expedition lead told him. “You will forever be remembered as the person who brought back the Siberian tiger.”
—
Day 8
I was starting to feel like the sector assignments were a bit unfair. I asked Dr. Hoffman to switch with me.
“Sure,” he said. “I’m getting a bit bored with Sector C anyways.”
As it turned out though, Dr. Hoffman had already found most of the good stuff. All I found today was a few arrowheads.
I went back to ask Dr. Hoffman if he’d switch back, but he was already chiseling out a glacier filled with a bunch of jewels and treasure. I don’t know how I’d missed that one.
At least that treasure will look good in a museum, I thought. But then Dr. Hoffman told me he’d cut a deal with the expedition lead where he’d get to keep all the treasure. The deal was he’d keep all the treasure and he wouldn’t tell the expedition lead’s wife about his affair with the cave lady I’d found.
First of all, that was incredibly unethical. Second of all, why did the cave lady go out with the expedition lead instead of beating him over the head with a club? It was because the cave lady didn’t sense desperation on him like she did on me, Dr. Hoffman told me.
—
Day 9
I’m done. I quit this expedition. Today I found a glacier filled with a bunch of scratch off tickets. And when I scratched them off they were all winners. I was going to get rich off this expedition, just like Dr. Hoffman.
But then I flipped them over, and because they were ancient scratch off tickets they’d all expired and I couldn’t cash them in.
Meanwhile, Dr. Hoffman found an ancient slot machine in his glacier. And when he pulled the lever he won a jackpot. The rich get richer.
—
Day 10
It’s the last day of the expedition. I decided I’m going to glacierize myself. If I can’t find anything good, I may as well become something good for someone else to find in the future.
“Woah, woah, woah,” Dr. Hoffman said when I told him my idea. “That idea’s a bit out there. Besides, would you even be a good find in the future?”
He made a good point. I wouldn’t want to find myself in a glacier. Especially when there was treasure and cave ladies all around here. So I decided against it. But I still felt pretty dejected.
It was the end of the expedition and all I’d found was a bunch of crummy prehistoric animals.
“If you really feel that down, I can give you credit for some of the stuff I found,” Dr. Hoffman said.
“Are you sure?”
“Sure, why not. I’m incredibly rich and have a hot cave girlfriend now. I don’t care about academia anymore.”
“You know what, I don’t either. It’s kind of pointless,” I said. “I think I’m going to go back to the glacierizing myself plan.”
“You do you,” Dr. Hoffman chuckled. “You do you.”
—
Day 11
Everyone went home, but here I am sitting here waiting for the ice to glacierize me. There’s something I didn’t realize though, and that’s that it has to be really cold to glacierize yourself. It’s cold now, but not cold enough to get glacierized apparently.
Oh well, at least I found a canoe in one of the glaciers. I guess I’ll row on home and come back in the winter to make my mark.
