Like many of you, when I move into a new place, I expect it to not be infested with anything. That means no roaches, no termites, and especially no little freak gnomes.
But sometimes things are just out of your control. Sometimes you sign a lease without thinking, and there you are, stuck living in a gnome-infested apartment for the next two years.
Honestly, I should have been more rigorous in my efforts to get a gnome-free unit. When I toured the apartment, I noticed a little door in the wall, like one a gnome would use, and I ignored it. I just looked at the landlord and said, “Ah, a little door. Whatever. I’ve got cooler things to think about.” And I didn’t even have anything cooler to think about–I just wanted the landlord to think I had a curious mind.
Also, when I looked over the lease and the landlord asked if everything seemed fine, I chuckled and said “Yep, as long as there isn’t a gnome infestation.” And then he chuckled too, but he didn't explicitly say there wasn’t one. That was another clue right there.
And in the parking lot, when I pulled in, there was a big van that said “Gnome Exterminator,” and there was a guy waving around a crowbar and chasing some gnomes around. So yes, it’s a little bit on me for not considering these things.
Anyway, over the past few months I’ve gotten to know the gnomes infesting my apartment. And I hate them. I hate them so much. But some I hate a little more than others. Here’s a list of the worst gnomes that I share my living space with.
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1. Toaster Gnome
Whenever I’m trying to toast a bagel, a piece of bread, or a toaster strudel, this little gnome scurries out of my cupboard and flips the little switch early. Then I come back to make it toast again, and there he is, right back to switch it off. Drives me crazy.
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2. Caricature Artist Gnome
This gnome likes to draw pictures of me that exaggerate my worst features. And then when I try to laugh it off, he tells me that, no, the picture isn’t exaggerated, my ears do actually look that big. And my nose really is that messed up.
He says he’s a renowned portrait artist gnome, not a caricature artist gnome, and that he captures the real me. It just so happens the real me is ugly. That’s what he says.
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3. Pickled Gnome
This gnome worked its way into a jar of pickles in my fridge and accidentally pickled itself. One less gnome, sure, but now I can’t get to those pickles without risking touching a gross gnome.
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4. Observational Comic Gnome
Is observational comedy funny? Sure. I like Seinfeld. But the thing is, you’ve gotta be able to relate to it. And this gnome only talks about things he observes in his gnome life. He’s always starting his set saying things like “You ever sit on a stump in an enchanted forest, and then a fairy flies by and turns you into a toadstool?”
No, you stupid gnome, I’ve never done that. And what are you even talking about? Where is there an enchanted forest around here?
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5. Seamstress Gnome
This gnome comes in at night and hems all of my clothes in all the wrong places. I go into work everyday looking an idiot. Because it seems like I can afford a tailor, but I’m paying them to tailor my clothes to fit me poorly.
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6. Poison Gnome
This gnome is covered in poisonous goo. Out of all the things to be covered in, that’s probably one of the worst. He’s always trying to help me carry in groceries, which would be nice if he didn’t drip poisonous goo all over them.
That’s the thing about poisonous goo. Once it’s on food, you can’t eat that food without getting poisoned.
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7. Sad Gnome
This gnome is a real bummer. I guess he got divorced from his gnome wife, and man is he mopey about it. I always trip over him when he’s laying face-down in my living room moaning. And that moaning. Man this gnome can moan.
Have you ever heard a gnome moan? It’s just like a person moaning, which is to say it’s very annoying.
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8. Cowboy New Yorker Gnome
I don't get this gnome's thing. Half the time he's complaining about how the suburbs suck and he wishes there were a bodega around here, and the other half of the time he's trying to wrangle me with a lasso.
And sometimes he has a thick Brooklyn accent, while others he has a slow, Southern drawl. Huge identity crisis on this gnome. He needs to pick a lane. And he needs to stop stabbing me with those spurs on his boots.
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9. Bum Gnome
This gnome has a bindle on a stick and he always asks me for five dollars on the way out the door. And I’m like, what for? I don’t see you going out and buying things. And hey, what’s in that bindle? But he doesn’t answer. He just beats me with his bindle full of rocks until I pay up.
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10. Spiky Hugging Gnome
Remember when I said poisonous goo is one of the worst things to be covered in? Turns out there’s something worse. I don’t know how or why, but this gnome is covered in giant spikes! He’s also a very affectionate gnome, so he’s always sprinting towards me to give me a hug. You ever hugged a bundle of spikes? Ow!
