When you die, you can’t take it with you. That’s what they say. If you’re halfway through eating a sandwich and you suddenly croak, you don’t get to finish that sandwich in the afterlife. The rest of it is fair game for anyone else in the break room. I know I’ve gotten a few free sandwiches that way.
You just can’t take it with you. That’s why you have to respect pharaohs. They didn’t care about that little rule.
Pharaohs said, “You know what, I think I will take it with me. Put it in my tomb and lock it up. And even if I can’t take it with me, I don’t want any of you people to have any of it.”
I bet the pharaohs gave a good scowl at the commoners when they said that last line.
The thing pharaohs didn’t consider though was archaeologists from the future. In the end, those guys got all their stuff. They were taking things from tombs like there was no tomorrow. Or I guess they were taking things like there was no afterlife where the pharaoh was using all his old stuff.
But really, who knows. Maybe the pharaohs did take some of it with them. Maybe the tombs were like a storage unit, and the dead pharaohs just came in every now and then to play with their trinkets.
Lots of trinkets in those tombs. Take King Tut for example. He kept sorts of knick-knacks. And to be honest, when I saw the list of the things those excavator dorks found, I thought The Tut-Man made some questionable choices.
If I were a pharaoh, I’d have a much better list of things in my tomb. So here’s a comparison of what King Tut decided he wanted in the afterlife, and what I’d replace it with if I were a dying pharoah.
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King Tut’s Choice: Canopic Jars
If you don’t know, canopic jars are the things that pharaohs had all their organs tossed into when they died. If there’s one thing I know about dead people, it’s that they don’t need organs anymore.
My Choice: Moonshine Jars
What would you rather have? A bunch of rotting organs in a jar, or some moonshine? In fact, one of the best parts of dying is not having to care about your organs any more. You don’t have a liver, so you can just keep cracking open that moonshine.
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King Tut’s Choice: Two Daggers
This is a pretty commendable choice. You never know when you’re going to need to dagger somebody up, even in the afterlife. And with two daggers you can have one in each hand for extra stabbing. I think I could do a little bit better though.
My Choice: Three or Four Daggers
With more daggers, you have backups, in case one gets dull or something. Also if you find some twine you can probably figure out a way to turn two of them into scissors in case you want to do some post-mortem scrapbooking.
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King Tut’s Choice: Six Chariots
Six chariots sounds great and all, but I think it’s a bit gratuitous. It’s just you. What do you need six chariots for? And there weren’t any horse bones in the tomb, so it’s not like old Tutty planned to bring any horses to the afterlife. Did he expect to tame six wild ghost horses? Also, there are cars now. If King Tut had predicted cars then I bet he wouldn’t have bothered with the chariots.
My Choice: A Bunch of Cash
Like I said, six chariots seem pretty useless in the afterlife. I’d say sell them and leave that cold hard cash with me in the tomb. I bet it’s hard to make money when you’re dead, so it’d be nice to have a little nest egg.
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King Tut’s Choice: Golden Death Mask
The Golden Death Mask is probably King Tut’s most famous item. It’s this intimidating mask made of gold.
If you feel like you're a bit of a nerd and want to reinvent yourself, right after you die is the time to do it. You can become a whole new person in the afterlife. And I have to admit, a Golden Death Mask is a great way to give yourself an edge.
My Choice: Golden Death Mask
Big Papa T knocked it out of the park with one. I’m copying it. I’ve gotta find myself a Golden Death Mask.
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King Tut’s Choice: A Weak Curse
It was said that King Tut put a curse in his tomb so anybody who broke in would suffer a bunch.
Well I don’t know what his definition of suffering was, but it doesn’t seem like those archaeologist guys suffered at all. It seems like they just walked out of there with a bunch of free stuff and made a lot of money. Pretty weak curse if you ask me.
My Choice: A Strong Curse
Obviously I’d like to include a stronger curse. If anybody broke into my tomb, I’d make a curse that makes them throw up. It would make them throw up in a corner though, not on my stuff.
Then the curse would take control of their bodies and make them leave. And on the way out it'd make them trip and bang their head on my sarcophagus so they wouldn’t think about coming back. Nobody is taking my stuff. My stuff rules.
Before the curse makes them leave though, I think I’d have it force them to tidy the place up a bit. I don’t think I’d be motivated to clean my tomb when I’m dead, plus there’s all that throw up in the corner from phase one of the curse, so it’d be nice to have them take care of it.
