If you have a child, it’s a good idea to give it a godfather. A godfather basically helps out raising it. For example, if you want to go to a bar, you can have the godfather watch the kid. That’s the deal. You can do this a few times a month before the godfather gets mad.
A godfather can also give your kid sage wisdom. I’ve been told my wisdom isn’t very sage, so I’d definitely rely on the godfather for that.
Probably the best part of a godfather is that they have to take care of the kid if you die. Even if you fake your own death, they still have to take care of the kid. This can give you anywhere from a few weeks to a few years off.
But the thing is, there are a lot of things a godfather won’t do. At the end of the day, it’s mostly on you to raise the kid. So I think it’s a good idea to give your kids lots of godfathers. If you play your cards right, you’ll barely have to do anything. You can focus on all the benefits of having a kid, like the tax breaks and free birthday desserts at restaurants. And you won’t have to deal with any of the hard things, like teaching the kid to read or how to drive you home from the bar.
To get a bunch of godfathers, you’re going to have to branch out. I’d recommend Greek mythology. There are a lot of gods there. Here’s a list of some good Greek godfathers you can give your child to make your life a breeze.
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1. Zeusfather
A Zeusfather is responsible for teaching your kids about electricity. If there’s one thing I know about kids, it’s that they love to shove things in electrical outlets.
You’d think a kid would realize that’s a bad idea, but they don’t know any better. If you don’t have a Zeusfather around, you’ll probably spend about half of your day shooing your kid away from sockets.
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2. Hadesfather
You might think a Hadesfather is responsible for punishing your kid. But remember, Hades also had that three-headed dog. If you have a dog, you’re probably going to make your kid walk it and feed it.
But guess what? Your kid probably has other ideas on how to spend the day, like playing jacks. They won’t want to take care of that dog. And that’s where the Hadesfather comes in.
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3. Poseidonfather
This guy has to teach your kid to swim. He’ll also make your kid take a bath. For some reason, kids don’t like getting in the bathtub. But you know what encourages them? When their Poseidonfather whips out that trident. They hop right in.
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4. Dionsysusfather
This godfather is responsible for drinking a lot of wine and partying all the time. He also has to teach the kid to do the same. Personally, I don’t think I’d need a Dionysusfather and I’d just take on those responsibilities myself. People say I’m quite good at those kinds of things.
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5. Hermesfather
I don’t know why all the other Greek gods got cool things to do and Hermes got stuck being a magic mailman, but let me tell you, a Hermesfather comes in handy. I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a lot of paperwork involved with having a kid. You’re always having to mail in some sort of form to the doctor or the school. The beauty of the Hermesfather is they have to take care of this for you, and you can usually even convince them to buy the stamps.
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6. Aresfather/Apollofather
This one you get a choice. Your kid is going to need to know how to fight, so you’ve gotta pick how you want them to do it.
Do you want them to be good at some good old, wrathful tussling? Give them an Aresfather.
Do you want them to fight in a more civilized way, using a bow and arrow? Give them an Apollofather.
They might actually get into more trouble with an Apollofather, seeing as a bow and arrow is an actual weapon, but you have to admit, it looks classy.
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7. Sisyphusfather
This one isn’t a Greek god, but it’s still good to have a guy make your kid carry a big rock around sometimes. I bet that would teach them some sort of lesson.
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That about sums it up. I’m sure there are some other godfathers you can use too. The more the merrier, I say.
And I’ll let you know when I think of some good Greek godmothers to keep around too. Right now I’m leaning toward an Aphroditemother, the goddess of love. I think that could avoid some awkward conversations down the line.
