—Come here, Brutus.
—Yes, Caesar?
—How are the people feeling about Rome these days?
—Why, the people love Rome.
—Do they love every part of it? You don’t hear any complaints?
—Nothing comes to mind, no. It’s the best empire there is.
—You don’t hear people complaining about the calendar?
—I can’t say I have.
—Really? Have people not realized there aren’t enough months?
—What do you mean?
—Well, look at our calendar. There are only ten months. And then there’s this sort of limbo period where we stop caring about months. And then we go right back into months again.
—People love the limbo period. Because it’s dark and cold. You can get away with a lot of stuff in that limbo period.
—I think we should add some more months.
—What will you call them?
—I guess Januarius, after that god. Gods like it when you put their names on calendars.
—So I’ve heard.
—And after that we could do Februarius, named after that festival we have. Festivals like it when you put their names on calendars.
—I’ve heard that as well.
—And we’ll have thirty-one days in Januarius and twenty-eight days in Februarius.
—I guess that works.
—But wait, we’ll have an extra quarter of a day lying around. Let’s just stick it on Februarius every four years.
—Alright.
—But only if the fourth year is divisible by one hundred and four hundred. If it isn’t, no extra day on that Februarius.
—Does that math check out?
—I don’t know, probably. I’m pretty good at math. I’m Caesar. I’m the best at everything. In fact, I’m so good I should probably have a month named after me, wouldn’t you say?
—I guess so. But the other months already have names. You already named Januarius for that god and Februarius for that festival. Then we have Martius for that other god, Aprilis for spring, Maius and Iunius for those goddesses…
—Right but then we Romans got lazy, remember? The rest of the months are all numbers. Surely I could snag one of those number months? Nobody would notice. Numbers don’t care if you put their names on calendars.
—Which one do you want?
—I’ll take the one after the goddesses. We can call it July, named after me.
—But your name is Julius.
—July is a nickname I’m workshopping.
—Could I have a month named after me? I’ll take the one after yours. We can call it Brutus.
—I think we should stick to the nickname thing.
—Bruto?
—I don’t know. I think we’ll leave that one as is. Or maybe whoever succeeds me can take it.
—I can take a different month then.
—I just don’t know if the people will be gung-ho for the month “Bruto.”
—I want to stab you right now.
