The best part of being a wizard is the potions. You’d think it's magic. Everyone thinks it's magic. But the magic is hard, because you have to memorize a lot of boring Latin. Potions are easy—you just drink them and see what happens.
Some potions are definitely better than others. Like the Lava Potion, which lets you wade through lava, sounds really cool at first. But then you realize, how often am I even around lava? And when I am, how often do I want to wade through it?
An energy potion sounds good, but then you realize it’s just a cup of coffee.
One of my favorite potions is the Invisibility Potion. The only downside is that it lasts a mere thirty seconds, and you have to be naked to get the full effect. So you have to make sure you’ve got a lot nearby to chug down.
A big debate wizards have is which potion is better, The Mini Potion that makes you small, or the Mega Potion that makes you big. I prefer the Mega Potion, because you can use it to stomp on your enemies. You can’t do much to your enemies with the Mini Potion.
The Mini Potion sounds fun though because you can get into mouse holes, and play games with them using a tiny set of cards. But then you realize mice only have furnished holes in cartoons and they’re pretty gross in real life.
When you first start making potions, you might think that there’s a potion that will make you rich. But think again, because how would that even work?
It’s important to consider what you’re storing your potion in. A round bottle with a cork is a tried-and-true classic. But cops don’t like it when they see a wizard walking down the street, robe flapping about, sipping potion right out of the bottle. So I’d recommend you cover it with a paper bag.
You need to think strategically when making potions. For example, seducing someone with a love potion may sound like a great idea, but remember that love potions are hard to make. Because you have to use a lock of the person’s hair. It’s harder than you’d think to get a lock of a stranger’s hair. Unless you’re a wizard barber.
What’s easier is to make a bunch of hate potions and turn somebody’s friends against them. Then you come in as the only person left to love. For a hate potion, all you need is gasoline and spit.
Some potions are an acquired taste, like the Potion of Pain and Torment. Basically it makes your whole body convulse and spasm in tortuous agony for a few hours. But it has this interesting, lemony flavor that makes you go, okay, just one more sip.
You might not realize how hard it is to make a potion. Just about every potion requires an eye of newt. But what do you do with the rest of the newt? Sure you could kick it under the couch or feed it to the cat, but I feel like there’s gotta be a way to make money off it.
Some people wonder if potions get you drunk. All of mine surely do.
I’ve been working on a new type of potion, the cigarette potion. It isn’t a potion that gives you cigarettes (though that would be a good idea), but rather it’s a potion that you can smoke. I think this would give potions a cool edge and appeal to young people.
A lot of people think only witches should be making potions while wizards should be out doing magic in the field, providing for their family. But listen, it isn’t the 1920s anymore. Wizards should make potions too. Besides, the only magic you can really do in a field is turning a scarecrow to life. And I’m not quite sure what that does to provide for a family, unless you’re magical swingers.
