All’s well that ends well. Especially when you’re being thrown down one. People are always throwing me down wells. That, or running me out of town. But you can only get chased out of so many towns before you run out of places to go. Then there you are, back at a town that already hates you. And that’s when they decide to just throw you down the well.
You may think to yourself, what if a town doesn’t have a well? Are you safe? I’ve found that in that case they’ll usually dig one for you.
When I first got thrown down a well, I thought it would be fun. Because from what I knew, when somebody is trapped in a well a dog will find you. And then the day is just about you and the dog. But it turns out they only do that to people who fall down wells by accident. They don’t do it for people who spilled chili all over the mayor’s daughter.
Another thought I had was, hey, it’s better than being tarred and feathered. But it turns out it’s really easy to pour tar and feathers down a well.
At least it’s better than being chased with pitchforks and torches though, right? Welp, you guessed it, those can be thrown down a well too. And it also turns out townspeople are really good at aiming at your face.
Some wells are easier to get out of than others, like the ones with a ladder. But others are harder, like the ones where people grease the walls so you can’t climb out without falling a few times and getting all greasy.
A lot of times you’ll try to climb up the rope attached to the bucket. But other times, the bucket is a thing of dynamite and the rope is a fuse they lit to blow you up.
The scariest thing to find at the bottom of a well would be a skeleton. When you see a skeleton at the bottom of a well, you’re scared because it’s an omen of what you’ll become if you don’t get out of the well.
If I end up dying in a well, I’m going to try to do it in a fun pose, like giving a thumbs up. That way the next person in the well will have a laugh instead of being scared. Or maybe I’d die in a meditating pose, so the next person will think I was down there for some spiritual reason and not for drawing an “offensive” caricature of the mayor.
One perk of being thrown down wells is you can get a cool nickname, “The Well Man.” But I’ve found that this nickname doesn’t really impress women. All it really does is explain that smell you have.
An important thing to remember when you’re thrown down a well is to not land on your head and don’t lock your knees. Another thing to remember is to try to do a flip. That can win some people over. But it’s hard to remember those kinds of things when you’re drunk.
If I had to choose between being thrown down a well stripped naked or clothed, I’d choose clothed every time. But in life you don’t always get to choose, do you?
