So I got abducted by aliens the other day. Just my luck I guess. One second I was standing on the ground like everyone else, and the next I was being sucked up by a tractor beam.
At first I was a little flattered. There’s what, a few billion people on this planet? And the aliens decided to abduct me? I must have had something going for me.
I asked one of the aliens in the UFO about it. I said, “Hey, nice to meet you. I must be a pretty interesting human to get abducted, huh?”
He said there wasn’t anything special about me in particular. I just happened to be the only one walking around in that cornfield. I should have known better than to take a walk there. Aliens love cornfields.
I tried to go back to the tractor beam pod to get back down to Earth. But some aliens grabbed me, rather forcefully I might add, and shoved me onto a surgical table.
And then they put a guard in front of the tractor beam pod. Hey, I learned my lesson, no need to bring that guard into this.
I figured they were going to do some research on me. I’ve offered my body up to science plenty of times for a quick buck, so I wasn’t too worried. Usually when you’re selling out your body for research, they aren’t allowed to mess you up too badly. And even if they do, you get what the scientists like to call “hush money.”
The aliens were taking their time though, puttering about the UFO and prepping their research tools. I saw a few of them in the corner shooting dice and drinking some alien beers. Hey, I’m all for slacking off at work but hurry it up a bit would ya? I haven’t got all day. I’ve gotta get back to walking around in that cornfield.
I was getting fed up with waiting, so I said to one of the aliens, “Hey Gleepglorp, when are you gonna start experimenting on me?”
He said it’d only be a minute. And he said his name wasn’t Gleepglorp, it was Richard. I said I thought all aliens were named Gleepglorp.
That’s the thing about aliens. There are a lot of misconceptions about them. But there are a lot of conceptions too.
For example, just like in the movies, they all have big, round heads and giant black eyes. But what you might not know is that they aren’t really into probing. Prodding, sure, they prodded me real good, but I was never probed.
So anyways, they tied me down on the table and started prodding and poking my body with these little alien sticks. Each time they prodded me, there was a little screen that flashed the words “Error: Useless Specimen.” That wasn’t great for the old ego.
I was starting to wonder if it was worth it, being experimented on like this, because I wasn’t sure if they’d be able to pay me in Earth dollars. With my luck I’d be walking out of there with a bunch of Gleepglorp-bucks.
I asked the aliens about this and they said I wasn’t getting paid at all. They said I was their property now, and I’d be transported back to their planet and put in a cage at their zoo. That’s what they did with the useless specimens they said.
“Alright fine,” I said to them. “But on the way can we stop by the International Space Station? I’ve got a buddy there and I’ve got to drop off this gun I borrowed from him.”
I didn’t actually know anybody on the ISS, but I wanted the aliens to think two things–one, that I was a cool person who was friends with an astronaut, and two, that I might have a gun on me that I could shoot their big heads with. Maybe they’d let somebody that impressive and dangerous off the UFO.
It didn’t work at all. In fact, all it made them do was strip me naked and hook me up to this shaking machine that would get all the guns out of my system. They shook me for about twenty minutes straight. Even though they saw no guns were coming out of me, they kept that machine running.
All this experimentation was getting me parched, so I asked one of the aliens for a glass of water. And to my surprise, they gave it to me.
If you’ve seen the movie Signs, you know that water kills aliens. But then again, if you’ve seen the movie Predator, you know that water probably won’t do much at all. So it really depends on which movie you’ve seen how confident you feel when an alien hands you a glass of water. I’d seen both, so I just sat there and drank it up.
I asked an alien if I could use the phone, and then I asked him if he knew the number for the Men in Black. But it turns out that was just another movie and they aren’t real.
So it looked like I’d be going to another planet with all these Gleepgorps to be in a zoo for the rest of my life. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, I thought. Then I asked an alien, “Hey, the zoo won’t be so bad, right?”
He said it would be pretty bad.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I decided to run over to the control panel and start hitting buttons. Pressing buttons usually gets you something you want. I learned that lesson from vending machines.
I managed to start the self-destruct sequence. Why the UFO had a self-destruct sequence, I don’t know. All I knew is that this thing was moments away from blowing up. And all the aliens were freaking out.
Amidst the chaos, I saw that the tractor beam pod was unguarded. This was my chance. As the aliens scrambled around trying to disable the self-destruct sequence, I managed to get over to the corner with the aliens shooting dice and drinking alien beers. I played a few rounds and had a few drinks, and then made it over to the tractor beam pod.
I hopped in and tried to get it going, pressing all the buttons and switches. There was only one button and no switches, so this didn’t take too long. As I beamed down to the cornfield, the UFO exploded. I still had about ten feet of tractor beaming left, so I took a nasty tumble.
So that’s how I escaped my alien abduction. It just goes to show you–even if you’re a genius, big-headed alien, you can’t beat a guy who likes pressing buttons.
